There are so many advices floating around the social places of internet, which can be reduced to stuff like "love yourself for what you already are", "take it step by step", "relax if you feel like it", and finally that "don't worry be happy", "your happiness is a priority" and "stay positive" stuff. It's not everythig, there's a lot more of different small edges which are just like small bits of chocolate: eat too much of this delicious candy and you end up with fat on your tummy or even pancreatic problems.
While those can be useful in small doses when you're hopeless and overdriven, or you have the problem you absolutely can't solve (it seems that a lot of the love-yourself stuff is generated by people with stout constitution and they mean their bodies, not their selves?), they don't seem to be useful as life mottos. At all.
And next, the heavier and sweeter marks on this way down, are "indulge yourself
" and "please yourself
". Because it's healthy, they said. Because you'll be able to do better, they said. Because when you feel comfortable, you're more effective, they said. Here's how I successfully ruined myself with those:
- I used them as excuses (because "everyone does it, right? Haven't I got the right to do it, too?) and got accomodated with pitying myself more than ever;
- I started to treat unnecessary stuff as important because "everyone does it, right?".
- As I believed I have to get myself pretty and comfortable things to be effective, I started to depend on physical equipment more;
- As I didn't stop unnecessary desires and satisfied them instead of oppressing myself, I only became less happy and more unsettled, as my desires started to grow further and further.
- As a result, it is my own satisfaction which matters, which leads me to ruining people's moods and, of course, being unable to shut up when necessary or being unable to stay supportive when needed.
And more, and more and more.
It's like...letting a monkey run loose. Having it on a tight leash for years and then loosing a leash.. and then it just gets out of the leash and runs around, grabbing full hands and mouth of nonsense.
There's one like this,for example: "If you can't run to your dream, walk to it. If you can't walk, crawl to it. If you can't crawl...lie down in the line of your dream!" Now think if you really can decide if you can't
do it or you just can't make yourself
doing it. See the difference? Yes...I didn't happen to see it and used quotes like this to excuse myself. Not like I didn't see the danger coming. I just really wanted a bunch of excuses. Those excuses are not grounded on quotes and advices solely; they base on social approval
of that self-pitying type of thinking. My strength to stay different and never listen to society around slowly went away in recent years. At first, I clinged to one person's opinion; then to a few ones; and now I'm in the state where social opinion on what "normal" means just rule my subconsciousness.
What was it like before? Keeping myself tense whenever I wanted to do wrong things and treating myself mercilessly whenever I actually did them. Keeping the so-called "real life" (which is just solving the society's demands like studying and looking decent) aside from what really matters, believing it's just small nuisanses that doesn't matter. Keeping my intentions sharp and directed straight towards the incognizable goal, the non-verbal dream.
Yes, it's now lost.
Apparently, when you don't use your sword, it becomes rusted; when you don't sleep in chainmail, you body weakens and softens (this is an undirect quote from LoTR ^^).
I thought that being tense the way I am is unhealthy; now I'm way more tense and nervous because of whining and wishing for too much. Who would've think - there's no easy way to achieve good things in life.
You are what you think all day long. Let yourself loosely thinking unnecessary and empty stuff and you'll turn to a trash bin, not being able to concentrare properly, worrying over unnecessary stuff. Like on those pics: i18.photobucket.com/albums/b10… 4.bp.blogspot.com/-mc0BKXYCryU…
As for that super-popular "don't worry be happy":
In some cases, especially involving other people, you can't get anywhere with having your happiness as priority. You have to worry. You have to feel negative. Negative feelings motivate you. Sorrow comes together with compassion. How can you help other person without compassion? For egoistic reason of feeling important only? It only works for one-time charity action. There's so much charity today, but you still can't buy sincere attention for a lonely person. You can buy a well-though advice from phychologist but not the actual friend who will be there for you. And you won't be able to be a nice friend either if your priority if your own well-being. Responsibility is an opposite for being egoistic.
I realise that all those pretty quotes were made for someone to feel better and that it's important to have a break once in a while. But even break can be arranged in disciplined way. If you believe that something makes you tired, it will. If you believe you need something special for your relaxation, like watching funny pics once in 1-2 hours on your jobplace, you won't be able to keep working on something boring for 4 hours straight (the disciplined way would be making a small exercise because it's actually
Mentality is like muscle: if you train it, it becomes stronger. And like river water: if you lead it to a canal, it makes a riverbed there. With accepting the popular social views I didn't make my life easier, but only harder, because it became harder to deal with myself. After ruining something I've built for most of my life, I'm now going to build it up aga....
...oh, what a pretty kitten photo, let's now see more of those!~
Sorry if this is too long of a post! I've cut out everything I could.